Last summer I made my annual trek off to my favorite event of the season: the biggest fan convention of the year for Bob Uecker, play-by-play announcer for your Milwauke Brewers and the announcer in the best movie made since Singin’ in the Rain, Major League. The trip took a hard turn when I arrived not at the convention, but at a religious cult commune. Shockingly, it didn’t seem all that different from conventions past. At first. The following is excerpts from my personal diary, recapping the events.
June 8, 2011
Got to the Bob Uecker convention today, and boy does it look like it’s gonna be the best! I’ve been to a lot of Ueck-fests in my time but this has all the makings to be the Ueckeriest of them all. Everybody else here seems super nice. They’re all smiling and wearing all sorts of sweet tunics and pants made out of burlap and yarn. When I ask them about it they say that once you’ve seen the light you realize that denim is just a prison keeping your bottom-soul from reaching the ultimate of freedoms. I don’t know what that has to do with Bob Uecker but holy fuck does it sound neat. I even met a real swell girl-lady. I know! Who am I, Don Juan or a more current lothario reference? Raef Fiennes, perhaps? He seems like he gets a lot of trim. Anyhoo, her names Esmerelda 18 (apparently all the girls here are named Esmerelda. What a coinky-dink!) and she’s super cool. She even agrees with me that the first couple seasons of Scrubs is funnier than people think! Holy gee, this is gonna be great!
June 16, 2011
Things have been pretty swell here at Ueckfest 11, but I’m not really sure when we’re gonna start Ueck-ing it up. Mostly I’ve been learning how to harvest wheat, making underpants out of various household items and spending my nights in the “Nightly Spirit Share Time. That’s when we all strip naked and offer our pain cells up to the Sky Judge. I guess Bob Uecker must’ve done something like that in Major League 3: Back to the Minors. I never saw that one. Anyway, things are going pretty well with Esmerelda 18, except whenever I try to make a move she tells me she has to meet Jeremiah, the leader of the convention, in the “Dark Room.” I guess that’s where they keep all the classic Uecker-belia. Also, everybody keeps talking about the coming of this the “Great One.” I guess he’s some sort of big deal, like Tom Berenger in Major League. I don’t really know about all that, but otherwise I love it here!
June 17th, 2011
Holy fuck the “Great One’s” fucking awesome! I never thought I could feel so complete inside! The anger spirits are flying out into the clouds of judgment and all I’ve got left are something called “taurons,” or beams of positive energy. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier than I am living here and farming. I mean, I never thought I’d have such a great time shucking corn husks, but I also never thought I’d give out my parents credit card info for financing a monument to the “Great One,” but I’m totally doing that so I guess this must be fine too! I can’t wait till this convention’s over so I can tell all my friends about my transformation over into the world of enlightened wind. Of course that’s assuming I get out of here before the great cleansing when we all pass on into the afterlife of happy force. I hear it’s like a Lazer Tag but way more bitchin’. Woot! Woot!
July 13th, 2011
I’ve kind of forgotten why I came here in the first place, but I don’t really care, that’s how great it is! I’m in the best shape of my life; I’ve gone down three burlap sack sizes since getting here! Today was probably the most special day of all days: I finally got to go into the “Dark Room!” I don’t remember anything that happened but now I can’t get “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” out of my head and I burst into tears anytime someone says “potato salad” which happens way more than you’d expect; I mean, these people really love Ron White. I’m almost late for tonight’s loyalty test so I better get going. I hear we’re gonna kill bunny rabbits for Jeremiah! Swish!
P.S.: Esmerelda 18 update: She’s dead! Why do I always go for the ones who get sacrificed!
June 8th, 2011
Finally figured out what’s happening to me in the “Dark Room.” Oh good God. Oh God. Oh good and heavenly God. Sweet Jesus. What a doozy.
June 13th, 2011
Tonight’s the night I make my escape. I’d rather get gunned down in the corn fields than let my soul die even one more day on this plain of despair. I’m starting to think these people don’t even like Bob Uecker! I won’t go into detail here for fear of being discovered but I’ll just say that my plan is rather elaborate and it involves a shank I crafted out of a corn cob and stabbing lots of people. My only hope is that I die tonight, and it turns out I’m wrong, and there is a God, and I go to hell, and then I could finally be at peace. For I know one thing: hell would have to feel like heaven compared to this place.
June 14th, 2011
Made it out alive. I can finally taste the sweet dew of freedom and boy does it taste good! Like eating a whole bunch of Skittles at once. All I can hope for now is to move on from this place and live again. Maybe I’ll get a cat. That seems like a good move. I do know one thing, though: this has certainly been…One Crazy Summer!